Saturday, June 12, 2010

AT&T and the Great Suckable Conspiracy Theory

I had the misfortune of hearing yet another in a long line of conspiracy theories recently, this one pertaining to AT&T’s recent price changes and the not so unusually high volume of dropped calls. But for the life of me, my frazzled brain can’t seem to locate the exact location of the memory in question. Perhaps it is sleep deprivation, or my cramped cranium is starting to show signs of age and wear, whatever the case may be the memory escapes me at the moment. But the one thing that is almost certain is that it is more than likely a conspiracy theory born like so many others. Cousin Otis has too much free time on his hands, has had one too many Red Bull’s at 3:00 AM, and has spent too many hours perusing the vast wastelands of the world wide web, feeding a extremely over active, hungry imagination. Which when you think about it, really doesn’t seem like that much of a reach now does it?

It usually begins on one of those Roswell sites, where the government is either in cahoots with- or just flat out denying the existence of extraterrestrials. They have the bodies, they have the flying saucers, and they’re somehow keeping it from us. The damn government, trading secrets with the damn Martians now, and it goes all the way from Roswell to Area 51, that’s where they’re keeping the bodies, the secret aircraft, and of course EVERYBODY knows, that that’s where they are holding Elvis Presley prisoner. I’m never clear on how exactly Elvis fits into the equation but his name always seems to pop up in most of the popular conspiracy theories. Who really killed Kennedy? The same fuckers that kidnapped Elvis. Why can’t they find Bigfoot? He was a witness to the Elvis kidnapping so they took him prisoner too. And of course the only way to protect yourself from the Governments secret mind control device that is hiding the truth from us is to wear a hat made of aluminum foil to reflect the radio waves that televisions, radios, computers and cell phones all transmit into our brains. Which I’m guessing is how AT&T fits in.

And speaking of the corporate devils AT&T, the way that they fit into the conspiracy goes something like this: Cousin Otis who lives in Bugtussle Arkansas is on the phone with Uncle Clem in Porkbelly Kentucky at 3:00 AM, and right in the middle of a highly intellectual conversation about the correlation between the government, alien abduction, the Kennedy assassination and of course the suspicious circumstances surrounding the “Alleged” death of Elvis Presley- AT&T decides to drop the call. After which Cousin Otis has to resort to trying to climb up on his roof in the middle of a thunder storm to improve his reception and gets struck by lightning in the process. Meanwhile over in Porkbelly, Uncle Clem finds himself wandering around in the dark, in the bog out behind the farm uttering the dreaded words ‘Can you hear me now bubba?’ over and over again. which attracts the attention of a hungry grizzly bear who promptly rips him in half and drags his into the deep dark woods where he is never heard from nor seen ever again, which when you think about it- kinda makes the dropped call a moot point.

But lets not confuse the conspiracy theory in progress, to any sort of facts, after all the two are seldom in direct relation to one another. I have never seriously put a lot of stock in conspiracy theories of any sort, but I do find them rather entertaining in all of their ridiculous glory. Then perhaps the real truth isn’t as convoluted as all of that, maybe the truth is the American Government doesn’t know as much as everyone suspects they do, maybe they’re really as clueless as Otis and Clem. Maybe Elvis really IS dead. And Maybe Lee Harvey Oswald really DID shoot Kennedy.. And maybe AT&T drops phone calls because their service really does suck rhinoceros balls. So how about just this once we allow ourselves to set our theories aside if only for a moment, and lets accept our government for what it is, in all of its inept glory. Lets finally let Elvis rest in peace. And when you think about it it really doesn’t matter who shot Kennedy, no matter who pulled the trigger gone is gone and nothing will bring him back. And as for AT&T lets just leave them be, and let them suck their Rhinoceros balls. I mean they always have- (Sucked that is) -and the evidence would suggest that no matter what. They always will.

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